The Hunger Games
By Rod on Apr 12th, 2012
Kevin Smith’s “Daughter of Green Arrow” comic book series alienated many fans.
This script was featured on Cracked.com, so you can also read it there.
THE HUNGER GAMES
The Abridged Script
EXT. DISTRICT 12
JENNIFER LAWRENCE and LIAM HEMSWORTH walk to the town square sullenly.
God, I hate having to come to The Reaping every year. It’s like, Hillary Swank as a scientist, really?
No no, you’re thinking of the 2007 plague movie. This is just when a male and female child are selected at random to fight the children of 11 other districts to the death, so nowhere near as bad as that.
Pfffffffffft, that’s such a ripoff of Battle Royale! That’s a ridiculously famous and popular Japanese film, you may not have heard of it. Doesn’t it show how totally hip and smart I am to cleverly observe how similar this movie is to that one?
Actually, since you could have realized that 4 years ago when the book came out, the only thing you’ve shown is that you don’t read books.
ELIZABETH BANKS, caked in HEATH LEDGER’S TEST MAKEUP, walks out onto a stage.
Oooooo, I will now select this year’s female tribute without even the slightest hint of awareness that this is actually a process people don’t like!
ELIZABETH selects JENNIFER’S SISTER, WILLOW SHIELDS.
I can’t open my eyes with terror any wider, won’t somebody do something?!
Stop, I volunteer! I am not the greatest girl in the world, no, I am just a tribuuuuute!
Great! And for the male tribute…
(draws a name)
Some blond beta kid nobody cares about.
Awwww man, this is the worst birthday ever!
WILLOW and LIAM say goodbye to JENNIFER.
Sis, I want you to have the Mockingjay pin I wear, it’ll bring you good luck.
This would be the same lucky pin you were wearing when you were selected against thousand-to-one odds to be sent to your death, right? Thanks.
I guess I’ll see you when the movie’s over, since at no point will anyone make any attempt to make it seem like you’re not going to obviously win the games.
They HUG, it’s LIKE TOTALLY EMOTIONAL.
Good luck, Jennifer. Whatever you do, don’t overemphasize the book’s Twilight-esque love triangle just because our target demographic eats that shit up like rocky road ice cream after a breakup. Remember, I’ll be here, smoldering at the TV for you.
Thanks Liam, tell Captain America and Iron Man I said hello.
Oh, you bitch.
JENNIFER and JOSH are taken to the CAPITAL CITY OF PANEM where they train with WOODY HARRELSON, previous winner of THE MOST HUNGRIEST GAME.
Hi tributes, ask me anything. I will get to as many of your questions as I can, so start asking now!
I’m a baker by trade, should I go for it if one of the weapons on the battlefield is a comically oversized dough roller?
You know, I really don’t think about those things, once the opportunity passes, I really let go of it.
In the book you’re an alcoholic largely due to the emotional burden that comes with training children that go on to be slaughtered, but just now you seemed to grab every drink you could because it’s a cheap characterization, is that accurate?
I did it for energy. And i have to say, it works.
Suddenly, LENNY KRAVITZ approaches.
Hey guys, I really hate having my picture taken without sunglasses on, so let’s make this fast. We have to introduce all 24 tributes to the audience, so I’m going to make you stand out with this costume, which looks like it’s on fire.
That’s it? This costume got two full, tedious chapters in the book! And yet, dumbass fangirls are still going to complain the book is better, aren’t they, Woody?
I don’t want to answer questions about that. Lets focus on the film people.
JENNIFER shoots an APPLE which causes the movie to admit up-front that she’s going to win so everyone can RELAX.
JENNIFER sits down for an interview with STANLEY TUCCI.
Hi Jennifer, try your best not to be distracted by my ridiculous costume. So, first question: the premise of “The Hunger Games” is that food is scarce and people compete in this competition to win food for their families, right?
That’s correct, Stanley.
So you’re supposedly… you know, starving to death, right?
Yep. What are you asking, exactly?
Well, you look… I mean, what I’m asking is, why are you… er, of all the young actresses up for the part… uh, how do I ask this without sounding like a superficial male pig…
You’re wondering why they didn’t cast an Olsen twin?
Yes, exactly! Thank you!
Superficial male pig.
JENNIFER is ushered off the stage to make way for JOSH HUTCHERSON.
So, Josh, what do you suppose your chances are, considering that it looks like your head has been stuck in a small box since puberty.
Well, before I left, my mother told me she’s pretty sure Jennifer’s going to win. Then my sister called me a pussy and my dad said not to be sad because I was supposed to be an abortion anyway. I can lift a bag of flour though, so pretty okay I guess.
I see. And do you have a girlfriend back home, which is a question I didn’t ask anyone else and have no reason to ask you?
Well there’s this girl I stare at all the time like that vampire guy from that popular franchise, but SHE CAME HERE WITH ME, WHAAAAAAT!
Wow, ladies and gentlemen, what a twist! Our female protagonist is certainly facing a difficult moral quandary, trying to remain a sympathetic character while murdering innocent children including a boy with a crush on her in order to ensure her own survival! What do you think of that, distractingly weird-looking co-host Toby Jones?
Well Stanley, I think it would be a crushing disappointment if this complex, interesting ethical dilemma were gutlessly resolved by having Jennifer pretty much avoiding killing anyone due to increasingly preposterous contrivances including sudden, nonsensical rule changes outside of her influence!
OH MY GOD I AM SO FUCKING BORED WHEN ARE THE KIDS GOING TO KILL EACH OTHER?!
ALL 24 OR 25 TRIBUTES are sent to fight to the death in THE DINING MAN.
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